The Thing About Semen

When I first read that semen was found effective in treating depression, I liked the idea instantly, but began to wonder how this works. It seems the studies generate more questions than answers. It’s well documented that semen contains a cocktail of chemicals including cortisol, which increases feelings of affection; estrone and oxytocin, which both elevate mood; thyrotropin-releasing hormone, a natural antidepressant; melatonin which induces sleep; and serotonin, one of the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitters. As a veteran bipolariod constantly seeking new information about organic and meds-free treatments, this information interests me a great deal. Although, it strikes me as quite amazing that this wonderfully natural concoction of mind-altering drugs is still legal and readily available to anyone who wants it. Apparently, no world governments have found a way to regulate or tax its use. Yet. However, what intrigues me the most is the actual application of semen as an antidepressant.

Being a single woman living in a tiny remote fishing village in the middle of whoop whoop South America, the availability of semen is, well … limited. I’m very happily single and not currently interested in changing the status quo even if it does mean having the cure for Bipolar Disorder within sweet-nothings whispering distance. So, I guess I could always ask a friend to lend me a hand – figuratively speaking. But then, what do I actually do with this little white splotch of happy hormones in terms of treatment for depression?

Perhaps a semen facial is the thing: a bit like a self-applied pearl necklace. A pearl mask. I could rub a good handful of it all over my face from my hairline to my chin and then lay back in the equatorial sun and let it absorb into my pores and do its magic on my mood for an hour or two. The skin is the body’s largest organ, so surely it would have some noticeable effect, wouldn’t it? How often would I have to do this? Actually, I picture this method being more of a wrinkle smoother than an antidepressant, drying quickly and shrinking my skin until I look at least ten years younger. I’m not so sure about the smell either. In my experience, semen does not have a great smell; it’s definitely a far whiff from the intoxicating scent of African violets or jasmine. Maybe I could add some essential oils before I smear it all over my face. But would that alter the chemistry, hence rendering the semen impotent as an antidepressant? I also suspect that my friend would probably get quite tired of this process long before I’m cured of Bipolar Disorder.

Even after everything I’ve read, I’m still left wondering about the extent and content of the tests that have been done during these studies. What kind of semen did they use? Okay, maybe I need to explain that question: did the semen come from men who were depressed, or from men who were not depressed? If it came from depressed men, were they on prescription meds, or not? Was it natural, organic semen? Or was it full of chemicals and toxins from a drug addict on a bad diet? Can you see where I’m going with this? What kind of semen is the best kind of antidepressant? (Or what kind of wanker do I need to be stalking?)

The published articles suggest that regular oral ingestion works well but still, a minefield of unanswered questions crowd my busy bipolaroid mind. You see, semen doesn’t taste that great. It’s salty and sometimes bitter, depending on the lifestyle, genetic makeup and diet of the semen donor. One man I knew in another lifetime ate so much fresh tropical fruit that his semen was actually sweet and tasted so good that oral ingestion was as much my pleasure as his. On recollection, those were quite happy times – maybe I just blissfully overdosed on his personal brand of mind-altering antidepressants. Since then, I haven’t had the pleasure of blowing a man who eats that many pineapples. Believe it or not, these factors do matter to me. It’s my tastebuds that will suffer – or not – before I swallow the medicine that will help lift my mood. I simply can’t imagine how swallowing the equivalent of a spoonful of seawater on a regular basis is going to make me happy.

Then, there’s the whole issue of unprotected sex. According the the studies, women who don’t use condoms display fewer depressive symptoms than those who do use condoms. So, I’d probably feel fabulous until I contracted an STD. HIV, anyone? At this stage of my natural antidepressant research, I have to admit that being a single bipolariod clearly has its downside. Of course, having a long-term partner solves this problem. Even so, there are still unanswered questions. Is it the absorption of semen through the vaginal and uterine walls that causes happiness? Or can you take it just like an injection in the um … backside? Is that particular method as effective, more effective or less effective as an antidepressant than other methods? Where are the studies that answer these questions? And what if the semen has more melatonin than oxytocin? In that case, I’d probably just be joyfully sleepy, and unaware of suffering any type of depression. Are there ways to measure the hormone levels, assuming that all men are created same-same but different? I envision in the future a bank of high-quality happy-hormone-packed antidepressant semen available for purchase specifically for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder. Is that too weird? I see rows of neat little foil packages ready for the turkey baster. Or maybe to go into the morning juice blender to mix with the oranges and bananas. Why not? Some people do that with noni juice which tastes like rotten cheese. Considering so much semen is wasted in the hands of mankind, I’m certain some kind of Save the Semen campaign in the name of global mental health is not entirely out of the question. Or … when it comes to quality semen do we actually need to be acquainted with the donor? If so, trash the whole semen bank idea. If not, we could actually be in the process of saving the world.

So then what about frozen semen? Does it have the same hormonal properties and mood lifting qualities as fresh semen? If so, can one then just turkey-baste one’s way out of depression? You see, the articles state that it’s the semen and not the sex that treats depression. And how would bipolar men benefit from this knowledge, assuming they’re just as interested as women to reduce their depression symptoms? Dried semen sold in capsule form, maybe. Then, the real trick would be to keep this idea well away from the big pharmas – where the whole new nightmare of synthetic semen begins!

My randomly insane thoughts also run to considering the personalities of the men supplying the semen that is supposed to make me feel good. Does comedian Russell Brand’s semen have some special quality that would make it better than, say, Jim Carrey’s or Spike Milligan’s semen as an antidepressant? Would bipolariod comedian Stephen Fry’s semen make another bipolaroid simultaneously laugh and cry? Would Jean-Claude Van Damme’s semen have manic-depressives leaping around like madly grinning Kung Fu Pandas? Would Dalai Lama semen make us feel calm and spiritual? I imagine Andy Behrman semen giving me electro-convulsions; I don’t know if this is good or bad. Do individual personalities have any bearing on the antidepressant qualities or hormone levels of the semen? I don’t know about you, but I’d like to know.

After much pondering and puzzling, I think my ideal semen donor would be a generally happy man who eats organic foods (and mountains of fresh pineapples), exercises regularly, is not depressed or on medications and has no criminal record. Unfortunately for me, there is no one fitting that description for thousands of miles in any direction from my house. However, I’m all for semen treatment; what a wonderful concept.

Click here to buy the book: I’m Bipolar And I Know It

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